Inept
by LaTrabrasera
Summary: House/General Hospital crossover Dr. House comes to Port Chuck.Also Liason Scrubs and and maybe a few others that need a wake up call
1. Chapter 1

The House Challenge- Inept

By: TB and BB

Rated PG-13

Disclaimer: We don't own GH or House. And if we did it would be way funnier and way cooler to watch. Don't sue.

Robin sat stumped. She ran every test she could think of, some even well out of the realm of possibility.

Spinelli was sick and getting worse. She sat down in front of her computer and started googling for help. She came across a name, Doctor Gregory House, M.D. at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. His credentials were exceptional. If she could only get him to have a look at Spinelli.

She set forth; sent emails, made phone calls that went directly to voice mail. She finally had enough and spoke to the Dean of Medicine at PPTH.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Doctor Cuddy. My name is Robin Scorpio, I'm a research physician at General Hospital in Port Charles, New York. I've been trying to get in contact with one of your doctors, a Gregory House," Robin said, trying not to sound too desperate.

"I vaguely recall House mentioning annoying calls and emails from, and this is his quote not mine, 'podunk, Upstate New York.' Not to sound rude, but don't you have an immunologist or virologist on staff?" Cuddy asked.

"I don't want to get too far into it, but no. At this time, those positions are not filled. I'm a researcher, but my field is brain injury. I need a diagnostician and, from my research, Dr. House is the best and the closest."

"I have sympathy with your plight, but Dr. House is due to leave on vaca-" she paused. "He is due to leave on vacation, but I can't get him to leave."

Robin sat in silence, contemplating.

"You need to get your doctor to leave, I'm in particular need of him. How about I have a friend come pick him up?"

"He's not just going to leave with someone," Cuddy said, "How-"

"My friend is very persuasive," Robin replied, "He'll be safe, but he'll be out of your hair for a while."

"Well, let me get you his schedule," Cuddy said, digging around her desk.

The two women set up a date and time and Robin went to visit Jason.

"You want me to what?" Jason asked.

"I want you to kidnap a doctor," she paused, "Well, it isn't technically kidnapping as his boss said we can have him. You'd be appropriating him, picking him up. Hell, I'd ask Mom to do it, but she's out of the country."

Liz chose this moment to chime in.

"This doctor is Spinelli's only hope, Jason. We need him, or Spinelli could die."

"I'll do it, but I want you to know I don't like the tag team emotional blackmail."

"Noted," Robin said, and thrust a piece of paper in Jason's general vicinity. "This is his schedule, and the optimum kid- I mean pick up time is highlighted."

"Okay, now when I pick up this doctor, should I be in enforcer mode or do you want me to be polite?"

"Do whatever you have to do to get him in the car," Robin replied, "Short of actually doing him physical harm."

"Just so we're clear, if I need to give him a little pop, we'll be okay?"

"That would probably be between you and him," Liz said, smiling, "Depending on how hard you hit him."

Jason didn't even crack a smile.

"Why are you still here?" Cuddy asked impatiently.

House gave her a look and said, "I was hoping to will a button off the top of your blouse with my mind."

Cuddy just glared.

"You were supposed to gone a half an hour ago," she said. "Get out of my hospital before I have you forcibly removed."

"Cuddy, violence? How 'Women In Prison' of you."

"You wish, House."

"I really do. You in a tight prison issue denim shirt, buttons miss-"

"House! Out!"

House grinned evilly and turned toward the exit.

"I'm leaving because I was going to anyway, but I want to thank you for all the images I just put in the spank bank."

House was a step away from his motor cycle when Jason appeared.

"You Dr. House?"

"That would depend completely on who you are."

"Just answer the question."

"Have you had your testosterone level checked recently, you seem a bit aggressive."

"Yep, you gotta him. I was sent to pick you up."

"Well as you can see, I have a perfectly functioning mode of conveyance."

"Are you talking about the cane or the crotch rocket?"

"You are an amusing young man…"

"Yes, yes I am. Now, the car is right around the corner."

"Would I be out of line asking where the hell you're supposed to take me?"

"No."

House stood there looking at him.

"Okay, very literal, I appreciate that. Where are you taking me, assuming you can get me to agree to go?"

"I have it on good authority that you are not busy for the next week or so, and you are needed in Port Charles."

"Ahhh," House said, "Doctor Scorpio must have gotten a hold of Cuddy. She was pushier than normal tonight, getting me out the door."

"Whatever, you can get in the car or I can put you in the car."

House sized him up, trying to decide on a course of action.

"Well, you haven't pulled a gun or anything, so I assume that you're to keep the violence to a minimum."

"Are you going to make me pull a gun?" Jason asked, patience wearing thin.

"Do you have a gun?" House asked, amused.

"Yes, I have a gun."

"I usually make it a habit to not argue with a man with a gun, but since you were sent by Cuddy, and I haven't actually seen a gun, I'm going to have to decline. And seriously, get your testosterone level checked."

House went to straddle his motorcycle. Jason sighed, reached behind him and gave the good doctor a knock on the head with the butt end of his gun, catching him before he hit the ground.

As Jason fireman-carried House to the car, he muttered, "Had to do it the hard way, couldn't just get in the car. Damn things I do for women… Emotional blackmail…" Jason opened the back door and shoved House inside. "Well, let's how happy they are when they actually get him." He got into the driver's seat and drove away, continuing the rant in his head.

A half an hour outside Port Charles House woke up in the back of the car.

Rubbing his head, he sat up and said, "Guess you did have a gun."

Jason just made a noncommittal noise.

"Where are we?" House asked.

"I told you, before you forced me knock you over the head and carry you to the car. You're heavier than you look by the way."

"Well, you did hit me in the head with a blunt object, so excuse my short term memory loss. Just be glad I didn't lose control of my bodily functions back here."

Jason replied, "I think that's something we can both be grateful for. And we're almost to Port Charles, I'm going to need you to be quiet."

"Do you have a name or shall I refer to you as blonde assailant to the police."

"The police will not be looking for you."

House snapped in anger.

"That goddamn Cuddy, if she didn't have such a hot rack and tight ass…"he then noticed Jason eyeballing him in the mirror. "What? She does. But, she is also a devious, conniving, deceitful woman. Which is usually right up my alley, but this…"

Jason sighed with relief as he pulled into the GH parking structure.

"You brought me to another hospital?" House asked in irritation.

Jason sighed again, more annoyed.

"This is the hospital of the woman who has been trying to get in contact with you for the last week. Okay, now, are you going to behave or am I going to have to strap you to a wheelchair?"

"I don't usually go for the bondage, just hand me my cane and I'll move on my own."

They entered the building and two very attractive brunettes descended upon him.

"Ladies, I don't have time for a lap dance, but later…"

"Excuse me?" Liz said.

Robin just rolled her eyes.

"Doctor House, I'm Doctor Scorpio,…"

"'Scorpio'?" he asked, eyes gleaming, "Is there a Doctor Sagittarius?"

Liz looked over at Jason.

"You had to use force, huh?" she said.

Jason sighed, this time with deep relief that it was over.

"Yeah."

"Maximista," Spinelli rasped, breathing deeply through his nasal cannula.

"I'm here, Spinelli."

"Did you bring it… The nectar of the Gods…"

She squirmed.

"Maybe you shouldn't… I mean, you're really sick."

"You would deny," he gasped, "the Jackal" another gasp, "in his time of need."

"No, Spinelli. I wouldn't," she said, sadly. Then she brightened, "But this is diet and that is low sodium." She leaned over as if to kiss him, but changed her mind. "I have to get back to work before Kate fires me," she said, heading for the door.

She turned to him as she opened it. "You're not allowed to die, I have expressly forbidden it and if you do, I'll make your after life an non-living hell."

Spinelli smiled weakly.

"Your wish is my command," he said as he began to sip and munch.

House left the assembled doctors and nurse standing by the elevator, found a private spot and pulled out his cell phone.

"Wilson," he said, "I've been kidnapped."

There was a very short pause.

"No you weren't."

"A big, blonde, thug knocked me over the head and dumped me in the back of his car. I'm now in," he stopped and looked around him, "Hey, you in the pony tail! Where am I?"

Leo looked up from the chart and said, "General Hospital in Port Charles New York."

"Port Charles," House said sarcastically into his cell. "I have been kidnapped to diagnose something."

"I'm fairly sure you weren't kidnapped, because from what I hear, Cuddy told them to take you."

"I knew that deceitful wench had something to with this. When I get back..."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why come back, you're already there. Do what you would do here. Assemble a team, diagnose and cure and then leave."

House thought, short and soft.

"I'm going to need a refill."

"House, I just wrote you-"

"Wilson, I am in a new environment, and I have possible cranial trauma, God knows what-"

"For God's sake, yes, yes, I'll write the refill."

House hobbled over to the nursing station. He encountered a large black woman.

"I need the fax number for your pharmacy."

She cocked her head and looked at him.

"You could ask them. Other end of this level. That way," she pointed down a hallway, and walked away.

"I love it here already," House said, back on the phone.

"What? The legendary House charm not working in upstate New York?"

"Blah, blah, Wilson. I'll call you back with the fax number. I gotta get together a crack team."

With that he snapped the cell phone shut and turned back to the assembled crew by the elevator.

"So, where's my brilliant assistants?" he asked the group.

There was milling and not responding.

"You," he pointed at Patrick Drake, "what do you do?"

"I'm the world's best neurosurgeon," he said, puffing himself up a little.

"Doubt it, but you keep dreaming." He turned to Leo Julian. "What do you do?"

"Cardiology."

House's eyes rolled up into the back of his head.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you putting stitches in a toe when I got here?"

"No, I was doing stitches."

"That's what we pay P.A.'s to do," he said sarcastically, "And you, Miss Greeter, your specialty?"

"First of all, my name is Robin, which you know, because I told you. And I'm a researcher. Brain trauma."

"Before you ask, I'm an OB," Kelly Lee put in and flashed a flirty smile.

"And you, in the scrubs, I assume you're the Endocrinologist?"

Liz smiled and said, "No, I'm a nurse on the Surgical Floor."

"Is this the surgical floor?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

Liz blew out her breath and responded.

"I've been hired as Spinelli's private nurse."

"Moonlighting?"

"It's in my contract," she retorted.

"So!" he said, clapping his hands together, "Let me get this straight. You're my crack team to solve this medical mystery and you've all hit the genetic lottery?" He paused, shook his head. "I have a neurosurgeon, cardiologist, an OB, a surgical nurse and a whatever the hell you are, little pregnant woman, to unfold this conundrum."

Robin's face went red with anger.

"That's what you're here for, ass," she said and stalked off for a breather.

"Wow," he said, eyes wide, "She's feisty." At the lack of response he continued, "I have something to do, you find us a conference room and I'll be right back."

Liz pointed at the conference room, House nodded and headed down the hall in the direction of the pharmacy.

House stormed into the conference room, slammed a pill bottle on the table and shouted, "These are not Vicodin!"

Robin threw her hands over her head, "Are you trying to send me into early labor?"

House paused and looked at her.

"Sorry… Cross your legs," he said, half heartedly and looked back at Patrick, who was the closest. "These," he said, dangling the bottle in his face, "are not Vicodin."

Patrick examined the pill bottle.

"Label says Vicodin, hydrocodone/apap."

"Listen up, Sparky. I have a chronic pain condition managed by Vicodin, and these babies ain't it." He took in the assembled group, "If I'm going to get any work done, I cannot be in pain, so you, with too much product," he pointed to Patrick, "will accompany me to the local GreenMart with your prescription pad. Then, we'll discuss Mister Spaghetti's symptoms."

Patrick balked, but a look from Robin and he stood.

"It's Spinelli," Liz said, irritated.

"It could be linguini, and I could give a toot. Come on, Doctor Sparky Pants, get me mah pills."

The Vicodin debacle solved and Doctor Sparky Pants and House returned to the conference room.

"I turned those meds over to the lab," Patrick said to Robin as he sat down, "Maybe we can figure out what the hell is going on with that."

House lounged in a chair and turned to Robin.

"Alright Dr. Preggers, you seem to be in charge of this goat rodeo, what is the what?"

Robin was irritated, but willed her blood pressure down.

"Damien Spinelli, called Spinelli, came in complaining of fever, nausea and shortness of breath. Upon examination, he also presented with a dark, red rash on his neck, chest, armpits and groin."

"Sounds like a lot of fun," House put in, "You've run tests, I assume."

Robin nodded.

"CBC, chem panel, lights, and eventually a spinal tap."

"So, you just out of the blue decided to poke this guy in the spine?

It was Robin's turn to roll her eyes and feel superior.

"Rash, fever, meningitis."

"Well, was it?"

"The tests were inconclusive. But we started him on broad spectrum antibiotics, which didn't seem to have any affect. Then, he began exhibiting secondary symptoms of severe upper respiratory distress and his nausea and vomiting increased. He's been on IV fluids since he got here a week ago, but he's still coming up dehydrated on all the tests."

"Sounds like a dilly of a problem."

"I don't want to presume," Robin said, "But aren't you supposed to have some experience in this situation?"

House gave her a smile and pointed to Patrick.

"Run all the tests that could have anything to do with his brain."

Turned to Leo."Ponytail, all the cardiovascular/pulmonary tests, please."

To Robin.

"You, draw a buncha blood and run every test they don't."

He looked at Kelly.

"Make sure he's not pregnant," he smirked and waved her off. "Naughty Nurse," he said getting closer to her, "You could attend to my personal needs."

She eyed him for a second and then smiled.

"You recall the large, blonde, menacing fellow who brought you in?" she asked, leaning in close, House followed her lead and nodded. "He's my overprotective boyfriend. So, be careful what you say, or next time you meet the business end of his gun."

"Fair enough," he said, backing up, "You could get another set of vitals and bring me his chart."

House stood back and Liz breezed by him.

"Before you go, Naughty Nurse."

Liz turned to him.

"Where do you get a drink in this podunk town?"

"Jake's," she said and left the room.

House decided to put the time waiting for the tests to come back to good use. He skimmed Spinelli's chart, found a taxi and headed for the bar.

A couple of hours later, he noticed the Naughty Nurse and the Blonde Assailant entered the bar. And just had to sit next to him.

"Coleman!" Jason called, " We need two over here."

"Coming," was the reply.

House turned to them and said, "I came here to escape you, you know."

"Then you should have asked for the name of a bar I wouldn't go to. Be specific next time," Liz snarked and accepted her beer. She took a long drink, looked thoughtful and turned back to House.

"Be sure to let me know if I'm over stepping, but do you have to be a dick to everybody? I mean random people, upon first meeting, you have to be a dick to them? Not that it's that terribly unattractive, as you've become aware I find it kind of attractive, the surly, sarcastic, prickishness."

Jason looked over at her, eyes a bit wide, seemed as if he was going to refute and then said, "No… It's fair."

"Seriously, you can tell me, I have experience."

House leered.

"I'm sure you have much and varied experience." At a look from Jason he settled back. "To answer your question, I don't have to be, I just enjoy it. Plus, like you said, some chicks dig it. And maybe I'm hoping you'll leave tall, blonde and stupid and I'll have a shot."

Jason didn't even look up from his beer. "I have my gun on me. I keep it on me at all times."

Liz and House's pagers went off simultaneously.

"Must be Spinelli," Liz said, pushing her beer towards Jason.

As Jason went to get up she said, "No, I'll take a cab with Dr. Grumpy.

"Okay, he gets out of line, let me know. After he takes care of Spin."

They kissed sweetly good-bye, which House rolled his eyes at and pretended to gag. Liz punched him in the arm and pushed him to the door.

They were assembled in the conference room again, this time with a huge dry erase board.

"So, I take it all the tests came back?" House asked.

Robin got ready to rattle off results.

"Let me guess. Nothing?"

She let out a big breath.

"Yep, not a thing."

"Well, Scooby gang, you are the most inept doctors I have had the privilege of sharing air with. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're tip-toppity at your 'specialties', except for you, Doctor Preggers, cause I'm still not sure what you do, but you suck as G.P.'s."

He paused and then went on.

"The… boy… has… the… FLU!"

"What?" Robin said, "We just had an out break of Asian-"

"One guy getting sick does not constitute an outbreak. He came in with flu symptoms. You ASSUMED he had meningitis, which was a stretch, but there you are. And when the antibiotics didn't work, you then assumed the worst." He stopped, popped a Vicodin and continued. "You're the worst Apple Dumpling Gang of doctors I have come across ever. Except the OB… She did her job."

Kelly turned in her chair to take in the group.

"Yeah, he's not pregnant," she said, nonchalantly, laid back with her feet up on the table.

"The fever, the rash, the SOB, the nausea… All classic flu symptoms. If you had typed that into google you would have got a better diagnosis than the one you came up with."

"What about the constant dehydration?" Patrick asked, "And his continuing and increasing emesis?"

"Well, Sherlock Holmes and Watsons. I did some stellar detective work… and asked a nurse. Seems your boy has been living on bbq potato chips and diet orange soda."

"I knew I should have frisked Maxi every time she came to visit," Liz put in.

"So, the flu and the dehydrating effects of the diet soda added to the bbq chips on an already sensitive system just exacerbated the whole schmiel out of control."

"To summarize, I was dragged to the ass end of New York to this podunk, piddily little town to tell you bright stars this kid has the flu. And needs a dietician." He paused and then continued. "Now, will one of you bright and shiny beautiful people tell me how to get back to New Jersey, with out being beat in the head and thrown in the back of a car… again?"

Liz raised her hand.

"Yes, Naughty Nurse?"

"I'm going to ask you politely not to call me that. And… a Dr. Cuddy called earlier and she said that we were not allowed to let you leave for at least another six days. And I'm just going to throw this out there, take it as you will, big blonde man with a gun can make that happen."

House sagged into a chair.

"Well, the first thing we need to do, in the next six days, is to hire me as Administrator. So I can staff this place with some auxiliary people, like C.N.A's and P.A.'s, and maybe a general practitioner. And we won't have cardiologists doing stitches and neurosurgeons knocking up the research staff."

He turned to Kelly Lee.

"You know a good motel?"


	2. Chapter 2

Inept Part 2

By Trabrasera and BB

Rated: R- for strong language

Disclaimer: Not ours, we don't own. No sue.

A/N: We weren't actually going to do a part two but due to overwhelming positive response and requests for more, we have decided to give it a go. Thanks, y'all, we 'preciate it.

"Everybody lies." Gregory House, M.D.

House looked over the table at the assembled board. Nikolas Cassadine looked especially pissed. Well, him and the Quartermaine clan. Jax had a kangaroo-boy grin on his face as if he was still processing House's words.

"Well, I think that about covers it. GP's in the ER, keep your specialists on their floors and your surgical nurses, oh I don't know, on the surgery wing, C.N.A's, P.C.A.'s, P.A.'s. Hire specialists; oncologists, endocrinologists, virologist/immunologist. I mean, for Christ's sake, you have a doctor on the floor with HIV, and you don't have an immunologist? Are you asking for an outbreak? Do you even follow Universal Precautions?"

"It's not in our budget to hire all these people," Nikolas responded.

"Aren't you the guy running a 'free clinic' across town with THIS hospital's staff?"

"Yes," Nikolas replied, irritated.

"Why don't you put that money into this hospital and offer the same services here, with your staff HERE?"

"It's just not in the budget," Jax put in.

House blew out his breath, top of his head ready to blow off.

"Aren't you all ridiculously wealthy?"

At the lack response, he went on.

"Buy less crap, spend less money on yourselves and put some into this hospital, the one you're supposed to run for the benefit of the citizens of Port Charles."

There was rumbling and grumbling.

"It's a wonder you've passed state inspections so far. I mean, you have enough money to pay them off? Use that money to employ more staff!! And supplies! I can't find a tongue depressor in this joint." House paused, composed himself and continued. "And on a separate note, your drug supplier is screwing you. I had to go to GreenMart for my meds because yours were placebos! So, there's more money down the poop chute."

"You're points are very valid and we should take them into consideration-" Jax started.

"Consider what, surfer-boy? Your hospital is barely functioning, you're spread thin, you have specialists acting as GP's in the ER for Christ's sake! If I were a doctor here I would have quit and sued and reported you to the state board of health."

There was much mulling amongst the board members.

Tracey Quartermaine jumped up.

"I've been telling these morons the same thing for years!" She turned to the board members. "If you don't work with me to implement the plans outlined by Dr. House, I'll personally pull all Quartermaine funding and report the hospital to the state board!"

"You can't do that!" Edward yelled.

"Shut up, Daddy!" Tracey yelled back.

House grinned and said, "'Daddy'? Like father or," here he winked, 'daddy'?"

Tracey ignored him.

"I should have done this when your previous chief of staff almost killed my worthless, degenerate, two-timing husband on the operating table!"

"Let's be reasonable," Edward put in.

Nikolas threw up his hands and Jax just looked amused.

"All right, to recap, you guys suck at your jobs, and I'm going to play your fairy godmother. I'm going to wave my magic wand and make it all better. Your job is to make sure the checks get signed, because if they don't… Well, we know what happens then." House stood grabbed his cane and headed for the door." "Bye."

House was on his way to Spinelli's room when he stopped at the nurse's station.

"I just got you all the extra staff you need," he said to Epiphany as he walked up.

"And my response is what? It's about damn time someone did something."

"No, no, really, a thank you is too much, just do me a favor…"

Epiphany ignored his sarcasm.

"If anyone starts asking for me, especially guys in suits, you haven't seen me. You don't actually know who they're talking about."

"Get away from me, white man." she said, moving charts.

House leaned over the station closer to her.

"You know you want me…"

"Yes, skinny, gimpy, pasty white boys make me crazy."

House leaned back and started walking away.

"When you're over your denial, I'll be in Spaghetti's room."

"Derisive One, you have returned."

"Not like I have anywhere to go thanks to you." House plopped himself in the reclining chair next to Spin's bed. "You watch soaps?"

"Not as such, I am usually in the cyber world more than the make believe world of the television."

House grabbed Spinelli's remote.

"Well, you should always be up to try new things." He switched the TV on and found his channel. "Now, as you will see Cynthia is about to reveal the paternity of her twins… Been on pins and needles for this. I personally think they're Brock's, but the timing is funny so they could be his evil twin Derek's."

Spinelli began to speak.

"Shhhh! Wait for the commercial."

The TV can be heard as the two are silent.

"'Cynthia, we have bad news. Your twins… One belongs to Brock and the other is Derek's."

Melodramatic crying.

"But that's not possible!"

Dun dun dun Dun.

"Okay, Spaghetti, fill me in on the rest of Port Chuck's. This is actually turning out to be better than the 'E-Mail Killer" arc on my story. Tell me more."

"Spinelli, Derisive One, my name is Spinelli. Or the Jackal."

"What the hell is up with that? The Jackal, Stone Cold, the Godfather, the Maternal One, Maximista, the Valkyrie, Vixenella, the Undeserving One and mine, 'Derisive One', while accurate… come on."

"Well, when you get my name right, Derisive One, I'll work on yours."

"Fair enough. Anyway… Who's the Valkyrie? No, better yet, who's Vixenella?"

"Vixenella is… an adversary of Stone Cold's. A rival, if you will."

"Is she hot?"

"The term hot would be adequate in describing Vixenella's outward attributes. Another term would be scary."

"Do you ever say just yes or no?"

"I have been known on occasion to employ brevity, my wont usually runs to-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, never mind. The Valkyrie. Large, Nordic woman?"

"The Valkyrie is indeed tall and Nordic looking, but I believe the blonde to be artificial. She is currently married to one corporate raider, Jasper Jax. Previously wed to the Godfather, four times. Currently, she is grieving the coma of her eldest child. She is scarier than Vixenella."

"Sounds like my kind of woman… Jax, Jax, Jax," he said trying to put the name to a face. "You mean the big surfer looking guy? They walk around like Ken and Barbie, don't they?"

"While the Jackal admires the Suave One, I do not believe he is as anatomically deficient as a Ken doll."

"That's not what I meant, but moving on… I get that the Maternal one is Liz, the Naughty Nurse. Stone Cold is Jason, the Blond Assailant. The Godfather? Who's that, what's his story?"

Spinelli cringed.

"I would prefer to refrain from speaking about Mister Sir, for fear he would hear about it and kill me."

"It's like that?"

"The Jackal was on the receiving end of the Godfather's wrath. There was head injury and loss of pride."

"Hang on, Spinelli, show's back on…"

Liz and Jason were cleaning up the table after dinner when he turned to her.

"That House guy isn't that bad."

She sighed.

"He calls me the Naughty Nurse…"

Jason winked and said, "You sayin' your not. Because last night, that thing… That was kind of naughty."

Liz grinned.

"What about 'Blond Assailant'? Like that better than 'Stone Cold'?"

"I don't like either, actually. I'd prefer to be called by my name." He moved closer to her, putting his hands on her hips. "Or that thing you said last night. What was it? 'Oh, Daddy, yes'?"

She leaned back, popped him on the shoulder and said, "The boys are right there!"

"Well, I'm their Daddy. Shouldn't be too much of a shock that you call me that."

"Filthy, filthy mind. And unfortunately, I can't punish you for it tonight. I'm working the 7p to 7a shift. But next time," she said, pulling him close, "I'm gonna make you say my name."

"Promise?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh Spinelli, I'm so glad you're going to be okay," Maxi screeched as she entered his room, jarring House from his nap. She stopped, realizing Spin wasn't alone, looked House in the eye and said, "Who the hell are you?"

"You're Maxi, right?" he replied.

"Yeah, like I said, who the hell are you?"

"She's sweet," House said to Spinelli, "I can see why you like her." To Maxi. "I'm the guy who saved your boyfriend from the inept staff, and I use the term 'staff' loosely, at this hospital and your BBQ chip and diet soda poisoning."

"I didn't poison him!" she replied, then squared her shoulders. "You're Dr. House. My cousin told me about you. It's not nice to make women cry."

House gave her his patented shocked and confused look.

"How do you know it was me? How do you know a butterfly didn't fart in Malaysia and start a chain reaction ending in your cousin becoming a tearful wreck?"

Maxi shook her head and stared at House.

"I have no idea what you just said, but Robin was crying and your name kept coming up."

"Ohhhh, Dr. Preggers! Why didn't you say so. I did make her cry. But in my defense, she had me abducted and dragged to this half-assed hospital in the middle of no where."

Maxi looked affronted.

"You shouldn't talk shit about Port Charles. You're from New Jersey, the state of big hair and turnpikes. And, oh my God, Bon Jovi!"

"You've cut me deeply, blonde girl. You cut me real bad. But I'll give you Bon Jovi."

"So, are you going to be here the whole time or what? Cause I'm here to visit Spinelli, not sarcastic, weird ass old men who need a shave."

House turned to Spinelli.

"I really do like her, good choice." He turned to Maxi. "Gonna need you to empty your purse, make sure you're not smuggling in contraband."

"I already explained that. Spinelli begged, I caved."

House turned back to Spinelli.

"If it works, use it," House said and stood. "No more greasy chips and artificially sweetened beverages and we'll call it good."

"I'm so relieved that you can see your way clear to forgive me. Now get out."

"Seriously, marry her," House said, and left.

House exited Spinelli's room, got half way down the hall and then couldn't pass up the opportunity to spread more fun loving cheer.

"Surfer Boy! And… Wait, don't tell me… Tall, blond, dark roots, scary. You're the Valkyrie!"

"Who the fuck are you?" Carly replied.

House turned to Jax

"You let her kiss you with that mouth?"

Jax ignored the remark. So, House went on.

"Doctor Gregory House, interim Administrator of this here hospital, at your service, Barbie."

Carly turned to Jax.

"Is he for real?"

"I'm afraid so," Jax replied.

"Oh, anyway, Ken and Barbie, I was told you run a hotel and I need a place to stay. So," he said in his crispest of tones, "could you hook a brother up?"

Carly shook her head.

"What is it today with the freak parade? First, Robin started shit, then Sonny gets in my ass now this creep?" She turned to House. "We own the Metro Court and we could probably find you a room for a modest fee."

"I was thinking fee free. What with me being beaten and abducted…"

"What is he talking about?" Carly asked Jax.

"I'll explain it to you later. Suffice it to say, let's just give him a room." He turned to House. "I'll make a call, you'll have a room in an hour."

House contemplated. He could sit in the kid's room until his room was ready. Doctor's lounge. Nurse's station. He rounded the corner at the employee entrance, and he saw her.

"If it isn't the catty caregiver!"

Liz sighed.

"Dr. House, I think I asked you-"

"You asked me not to call you 'Naughty Nurse'. I didn't."

More sighing from Liz.

"Did you need something, Dr. House? Ego boost, someone to sharpen your wit on? Because I'm just starting my shift and you do not want to put me in a mood."

"If I thought your gangster boyfriend wouldn't kill me, I'd let you know what I need."

She breezed by him.

"Go talk to Dr. Lee, she kind of liked you."

House called to retreating figure.

"Sure thing's no fun. A woman needs an air of mystery, a little… attitude."

She flipped him off as she walked in the door.

"Attitude," he said, smiling.

House was sitting in the Metro Court Lounge, drinking. As usual. He'd just gotten off the phone with a very unsympathetic Wilson, who told him to buck up and take it like a man. House responded with a "You know when I get back it won't be pretty?"

"Is it ever?" Wilson replied before hanging up.

House heard shouting in his nearby vicinity and getting closer.

"You dirty, rotten, man-stealing, conniving, social climbing heifer!"

"I did not steal-" Kate started.

"You know Carly, you need to calm down and handle your own business," Sonny said.

"You know what, Sonny, why don't you go kick rocks and tell your trampy girlfriend to keep her lips off my husband."

It went on in that vein for several more minutes until the four were almost directly behind House at the bar.

And then he had enough. House stood and said to the group.

"This is a place of drunken relaxing. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Does everyone in town need to hear you air your dirty laundry? Normally I find this kind of thing amusing, on TV, when I can change the channel. Right now, I want to drink my Scotch, jerk off in the shower of my lovely room and go to bed. And as long as you assholes keep this up, I won't be able to finish getting properly toasted."

Four pairs of eyes latched onto House.

"You, Ken and Barbie," House continued, "Really love my room, and really don't need to hear about your personal life. Take it somewhere lese."

"And you, from the description I was given, you're the Godfather, Mister Sir, right?"

Sonny shrugged.

"Let me lay it out for everyone to deal with," House said, taking the last gulp of his drink, "The 'Suave One' made out with prissy britches. But, and this is a big but, the Valkyrie here, crazy broad that she is, had sex with the 'wannabe Don' in the back of a limo."

"What?!" Sonny shrieked in a shrill voice.

"You didn't know you had sex with your ex-wife in the back of a limo? Is there a medical condition, did you black out? Or did she take advantage of you, she is big-boned, much bigger than you. They call that sexual assault, by the way, if you want to press charges."

Kate stood there with her mouth open.

Carly turned red and lunged at House.

"Hey, hey! No beating up cripples. I'm physically handicapped," House said as Jax grabbed hold of Carly. "Oh, I get it. It was a secret. They weren't supposed to know you sexually assaulted your ex in the back of a limo. Sorry."

Sonny turned to Kate, who pulled her hand out of his and ran from the bar. Sonny, of course, set off in pursuit.

Jax let go of Carly, who started to beg for forgiveness immediately.

"We'd just put Michael in that facility, I was emotional and vulnerable. Sonny took advantage of me."

House popped in.

"Way I hear tell, you two made the beast with two backs to soften him up, so you could get him to sign away his kids." He took in their shocked faces. "But that's just what I heard."

"You should take your crippled ass back to your room before I have you-"

House turned to go.

"You should really have your testosterone level checked. Very aggressive. Might be why you're having trouble conceiving," House said as a parting shot and hobbled to the elevators.

House was back in Spinelli's room the next day.

"I like you Spaghetti, and I don't say that to many people. You're fairly honest and you talk funny, and I like that. Having said that, I might have blown up your spot. I see stuff breaking bad for you and I'm willing to take you back to Jersey with me."

Spinelli closed his eyes and sunk into the bed.

"The Jackal's overly verbose ways-"

Just then Lulu burst in."I need your help, Spin," she said frantically, pulling up short when she saw House.

"What is it with you and the blondes? Good man, Spaghetti, good man. Which one is this one?"

"Well, Derisive One, this is the Blond One, Lulu Spencer."

"Alliterative name you have there," House said, settling into the chair. "But as you can see, Spaghetti is busy. And my story is about to come on. So…"

"Um, excuse me, Old Guy, I don't remember asking for your opinion and as far as I know, Spin can speak for himself-"

"If he could do that, he wouldn't be in the hospital. You, Blonde One, leave. Come back in two days."

"Why two days?"

"I'll be out of town by then and I won't have to deal with your childish brattiness."

"You are not the boss of Spinelli, Old Guy-"

"Ah, but in fact, I am. I'm Mr. Spaghetti's doctor. So turn your pert little butt around and head out the door."

Lulu looked surprised and turned to Spinelli.

"I really do need my rest," he said weakly.

Lulu huffed, stamped a foot, turned on her heel and left.

"Do not marry that one," House said, grabbing Spin's remote and flipping it to his story. "And seriously, you want to visit Princeton, I'll take you with me." House settled back in the chair for his soap.

House was in the hospital on his last day. It was 7am and he wanted to make sure the I's were dotted and the T's were crossed on all the changes. That and to make sure they signed all the checks.

He saw Jason enter the hospital and approach Liz, so he went in for his parting shot.

"You sure you want to stay with the Mob Enforcer, 'cause Diagnostician's make really good money. And I'm even cool with the kids, we'll get a nanny."

Liz shook her head and grinned.

"Jason, could you shoot him please?"

"Seriously?" Jason asked, "Because there are a lot of witnesses…" He turned to House, "You need a ride back to Jersey? I promise you'll be conscious and you can sit in the front seat."

"As attractive an offer as that is, I think it's just a ploy to get me out of town, kill me and dispose of my body."

Jason shrugged.

"We'll never know will we?"

House called out to the room in general.

"Well, it's been swell, kids, but the swellings gone down!"

He marched over to the nurse's station, where Epiphany had just come on shift.

"You gonna miss me, you chocolate ray of sunshine?"

"You haven't left yet?"

"Just needed to do one more thing," he said heading around the nurse's station. Epiphany squared her shoulders and prepared some sass.

House grabbed Epiphany by the wrist, pulled her in close, dipped her in his arms and laid a hot, wet, sexy one on her.

After he released her, he whispered, "What do you think about white boys now?"

Epiphany just smiled and said, "Get out of here before I kick your lily, white tail."

"Can do," House said and headed for the exit.

He came across Spinelli at the hospital doors.

"The offer stands. Jersey or bust."

"No worries Derisive One, Stone Cold's got my back."

House took one last look at General Hospital, got into his cab and planned his revenge on Cuddy all the way back to New Jersey.

THE END


End file.
